breathe and just let go

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 21:22:33 GMT

hello world! this blog is reviving! from the dead...

anyway, i figured i needed somewhere to rant if not my head and heart will just explode and god knows how hysterical i'll get. so before that happens. man, i sound like a mad women. no, this is purely exaggeration.

so, i went climbing ytd and landed with a burst blister on my left index finger. a couple of scald fingers and a couple with unburst blisters. haha. sound so injured. but yea, i had a hard time trying to bathe last night and this morning. try shampooing your hair with one hair. its a skill!

so, the last whole week was orientation. surprisingly, i'm not having orientation withdrawal symptoms. i'm actually kinda eager to plunge into work because i got a huge pile of stuff waiting for me to do. and everyday, that pile's getting higher and higher. its suffocating! i figured this year i'll have three impt things that i'll delve my entire self into. work, mazarin and soccer. i guess thats all my heart' can take right now. i cannot take anymore of those petty issues that hurt me more than i want it to. i want to let them all go, but i know releasing is much harder than taking on and there's not guidebook to tell u how. so i'm just gonna go in blindly. hopefully i'll get out of it unscathed.

so a new week is starting again. no orientation, back to work and the pure basics. but i've got a pretty packed week this week.
mon: mazarin meeting (which hopefully we can sort out all the stuff we need to clarify)
tues: logistics guy
wed: trg, church
thurs: hivelocity
fri: ROAD RUN! (i'm excited to run, but not for alpha. its everything personal)

so i guess before i turn anymore angsty, i shall stop here. i'll be back i promise!

don't they know that christmas time is here?

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 12:13:54 GMT

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

i am back from down under and tas & mel was awesome if u ask me! i saw mountains, freezed up a little, played with the kids, shopped for xmas presents with my brother, bonded with my family, learnt how to cook more dishes, saw beautiful sceneries (waterfalls, streams, lakes- stuff that u don't get to see in sg). and honestly, it was a good 10 days well spent. it felt really good to get away for awhile, to experience the culture and lifestyle somewhere else. to get out of this havoc and take a breather somewhere.
my fav place was at the thrid accom where we stayed at the foot of mt roland. the view was stunning and each morning i woke up to a mountain. it was like a guardian. we tried to scale up a side of the mt but had to come down soon aft because it was too dark and we (bro and i) had my sis with us. went night spotting there! well, for more abt the trip, ask. haha. but honestly, it went kinda fast and i can't really rmb everything that happened. but it was great!

2008's christmas is here again! well this year, xmas is different. i think i got lost in the commercialised dimensions of christmas and this year it did not match up to my expectations. while i was in aus, i was reading the tas papers and i picked out an article which i brought home. here's an excerpt,

Celebrating the true spirit
by Claire van Ryn
Search as you might, it (christmas) is very well hidden this year. it's not hading on the christmas tree, it's not in the chirstmas section of the department stores and it's not in the christmas lights adorning houses. it's not in the christmas turkey shared with family or the christmas cards sent to friends and it's certainly not wrapped and tied with a bow.
The fact that christmas is a holiday to celebrate jesus' birthday is so lost on so many in this secular society, and the other accessories of christmas tend to bury the birthday party.
It is true that just because people celebrate christmas, doesn't mean they understand it. but there is something about christmas that touches hearts, there is something about christmas that touches almost everybody in some way or another. ... It's not restricted to those with family or confined to the wealthy. the joy that is unique to christmas is yours.

i guess every year i am like that. so excited at the prospect of christmas because of all the carolling and presents, singing and jolly-making that i forget what christmas actually means. the magic that it holds wore thin for me this year and i was spun with the world's perception of christmas. and when that didn't make my standards i got upset. i guess christmas is supposed to mean new hope for me. renwed through his birth such that i can breathe once again knowing that god is there to help me. knowing that i am not alone when i am alone, when i am hurting, when i am happy, when there are tears. am i'm gonna need alot of that next year. alot of that faith and hope because i know that i cannot do it alone.

well, 2009 is just round the corner. 08 passed so quickly it's just surreal. some days i etched into my heart because they are meant to be remembered for life. some days just passed without my knowing and its a pity really. but this year, i treasured old friends and made new ones. these are the people who have helped me through the entire year. without them, i think i would have cracked. these are the people that others would die for and i was blessed to have. i know people always say that "people come and go, many only leave footprints." but for me, i am glad that i had this one year with them and one more year ahead. i'm gonna make the best of it next year because people leave. i cannot write enough to say how greatful and blessed i am with them in my life, but you get the drift.. (:

next year, i am gonna have resolutions! (just like how i had this year but never kept to them)
i was thinking and i came down to one, and the most important one. TO LET GO of things that upset me and NOT care enough for me not to get hurt. that was something i learnt this year. letting go (i think i mentioned this before).
the second would be to not be afraid of new people. yea, shocker! but for those who know, this's really important to me (: and i guess i just cannot take living in the shadow of fear anymore.
the third is to my faithful to god. (:
i guess the rest are all really minor like study (yea, As next year!). but we'll live, i pray!

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:42:19 GMT

i think i am disappointed. mostly in you, but i don't really know why..

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 17:54:52 GMT

i haven't been feeling alright these past few days. thoughts have been killing me and all i want to do now is just to let everything go. i've been sleeping alot lately to not get bothered and not get affected. damn, i would sure love to snap out of this but i do not know how.

2008

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:17:58 GMT

its the 4th of december. telling you guys that the year flew by is an understatement. people say it so often that the phrase loses its meaning and 'flying by' cannot adequately describe how the year went.
this year, 2008, i had change. again. greatest was that i stepped into a junior college. well, in the beginning of the year, i wanted to change myself. more of what people thought i was. and so i began creating a reputation that i liked. new school, new surroundings. people give second chances on occasions like these.
but well, the year unfolded so quickly i barely had time to stop and think.

this will be one of my many posts trying that is trying to give credit to this year and put a fitting conclusion to it.

this year i learnt that the places we visit the most often hurt alot. it is definitely not easy to change. the saying that leopards don't change its spots do not come from nothing. i guess, many a times this year i cared. so much so that i made myself get affected by it and yea, that hurt because i learnt that i get upset when people do not recipocrate my intentions. thats not right because i am supposed to give without wanting back. sometimes i myself doubt my intentions. i mean well, but sometimes its human nature and i do not understand myself.

yet at the same time, i learnt to let go. this is probably one of the greatest lessons i learnt from this year. truthfully, i never knew how to do that. it was incredibly hard for me thats why in the past i kept getting upset, pissed and angry all the time. but yea.. towards the end of the year, more stuff happened. and i guess the only way to deal with it like a matured 17 year old is to let it go. its not easy, hell yea. i get that. i also learnt that caring is not that bad as it hurts. more importantly, care without strings attached. admittedly, i am not too good at this yet. i still wear my heart on my sleeves everyday for it to get shot down. stupid eh? i decided to resolve myself to be able to let go next year.

i cannot adequately sum up my feelings and its not a good feeling. i hope this post will be editted again and a more realy version of what i feel right now can be expressed. but for right now, this is all i can offer. (:

the shadow of the day

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 05:23:22 GMT

went to send steph off on monday! it was pretty late at night, but we had fun talking and gossiping about the guys (and girls) she was gg to go with. haha. charmaine and i decided that if she came back with a bf from her trip or if she starts laughing like her roommate, we're gonna ditch her! haha. but anyway, she hasn't contacted so i hope she's safe and having loads of fun!

wed.. had mass dance prac in the morning. i finally got down to learning all the dances! (but its not to say that i wont forget them by the next practice because i definitely will!) went for lunch with alpha then headed home for a long long nap (it was long because as usual, i overslept!) then had advent announcement at YMCA at night. they said that we had to break sleep for the next three nights (break sleep = wake up at 3 am to pray). so i did it this morning at 3 am. got up grouchily but did my prayers. it was quite fulfiling i must say (:

today! i went to swim this morning and tan! i think i have a burnt nose right now. gg to the airport to study soon!

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:50:48 GMT

i've been meaning to post for quite awhile. each draft just got deleted because i didn't like what i was writing. but tonight, i will resolve to finally posting! whatever may come out..

so anyway day to day events huh!

there was bukit timah hill on friday (it was an ardous journey). we climbed 9 flights of stairs (just gg up) and each flight averaged 150 steps. and boy were they steep steps. moreover, the wasn't pavement flooring but rocks. my nike shoes gave way after while.
then we went back to school and they (aziz) broke to us the ragic news that we wouldn't be gg to india anymore because of the terrorist attacks. honestly at that point in time i was pissed because i coulnd't accept the fact that terrorist can strike anywhere in the world and moreover, delhi was a thousand km from mumbai. but their decision was final.
then met xiang for dinner and we went to SSC (: THANKS FOR THE DINNER DEAR! I LOVE YOU (: it was a really nice night and we ended sitting by the pool and talking till 10 plus? cabbed home in the end.

saturday.. went to SGH to visit jana. she looked so poor thing with her puffed up face! (like a goldfish but don't tell her i said that!) haha. anyway, i really hope she gets well soon because when i saw her, she was so bad! 15 hrs in the OT!
anw, went to char to vivo to have lunch and watched wild child. it was a really good chickflick! (:
church after..

sunday! went out with char, hweesan, natasha, xiang and xx. had a really good lunch at astons then sat at our fav starbucks and talked about our fav colours! haha. all the random things in the world. then we decided to watch quarantine. it was the first horror/thriller show i've watched since the exorcism of emily rose. honestly, i don't really know what happened during the show because everytime someone was gg to die, i would close my eyes. and after the scene was over, i would ask charlene what happened. hahaha. the movie was shot using a handheld camera which made me feel like i was on a rollercoaster.

today... went for match in the morning and it was BURNINGGGG! the field was muddy. the most muddy field i've played before. anyway boring stuff. it was against SMU. we lost 2-0. interesting stuff! the team generally played well, better than against MJ, but i felt that it was my best so i was disappointed.

today, i'm fine without you

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 12:30:26 GMT

0939: H3 application for NTU syllabus is unsuccessful.

biggest news of the day- which made my dad upside down, considering that these few weeks have been pretty alright. i guess now i'm just trying to accept the fact that i didn't get it because it just didn't seem fair. i'm trying to accept that this's god's will and not mine. hopefully i'll be able to let it go soon. anyway, still considering whether to go to the GO to ask them about the chem H3. (i know this seems really desperate). but..

i've been trying to hold my tongue. i'm afraid if i let it loose, i might curse someone to death..

i realised that lately i've been able to let go better. just breathe and let it go. my motto for 2009!

meanwhile, ____ wants a post. so here goes..

<blank>

there! enjoy! (:

right here, right now

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:21:14 GMT

if one day, you could spread your wings and fly into eternity, and you have the chance to look back into the past, where would you go back to?
if you had the chance, what would you change?

soccer today was fun/tiring/pain. the bus journey today was especially longgg! i was thinking and stressing over the incredulously large amount of work that i have to do. considering that i will be gone most of december, yes, time is tight as hell!
okay, lets see,
1. (thick) stack of math qns
2. chem hol assignment
3. 3 compre and 6 essay outlines (which i have no idea where to find from. haha. this is where xiang comes in! (: )
4. cse IS (i've been thinking whether i should drop. that's if my H3 gets approved)
5. econs project (haha. which charlene generously agreed to do my share!)
okay, i think that is all the hw there is. I HOPE!

guess what? i'm listening to hsm soundtrack right now! haha. i love RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. (i secretly wish my boyfriend (when i find one) would sing me that song!) (haha. its not much of a secret now i suppose!)

i've got one resolution for the new year alr! that is to master at least 5 more soccer tricks by season next year plus to get my kicks right (no more soft touches and wth touches!)

something struck me while praying that day. i read that blesphemy is not only when one profanes the name of god, but also when we do not practice what we preach. through out words and actions, we blespheme god and other people watch us and judge us accordingl as ill sons and daughters of god. and i looked at my life and realised that i am in that position. i tell others to love and yet when someone steps on my toes, i flare up. what kind of christian is that huh? therefore, i decided to control myself and to love (as much as my weak heart can afford to). i want to be one that is worthy of god. (:
oh yes! i managed to drag my sorry ass to church today. i am terrible..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XINXUAN! I LOVE YOU! (:

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:33:22 GMT

today was a highlight!

had match against mj in the morning. i fell twice, banged knees, punched in the face and survived! anyway, we drew with mj 0-0. THANK YOU CHARLENE FOR FOLLOWING ME THE ENTIRE DAY! I LOVE YOU FOR BEING JUST YOU! (:

after that, went with char to see the sinseh at tamp. it was .... painful. i was grasping charlene's hands most of the time. poor her.

then went home to bathe and on the bus ride home, we planned xx's birthday surprise!

here it goes: (its kind of like an amazing race styled game played at plaza sing and the grand cathay)
so first she had to go to some redemption gift counter to get her first clue which will lead her to the cathay. she had a hard time deciphering out clue (it was a drawing of a hand- charlene's hand. because it was especially small. so she had to go to the cathay to find char.)
then the next clue was the num, and then to find me!
so to cut things short, she had to find all of us who went (char, me, baba, aisha, marissa, lj and clarence)
funny things:
1) she asked a malay guy (who looked damn dao and had a pissed off gf) "hi, do you have a clue for me" and the guy just went "huh" with a 'why the hell are you talking to me face'
2) she had to go outside the guys toilet and shout in "HI, i am xinxuan and i am looking for a hot guy" (this was to find for baba)
3) she had to take pictures in front of 5 different shops. outside s&k, she was asked to act like a toddler and people were staring!
4) she had to sing a song (the man who can't be moved) at the concourse outside ps. (she zhao xia) HAHA!
5) she had to light her own bd cake, and sing herself a birthday song holding the cake.

haha. other random stuff happened too and it was quite a success! (check out the many videos on facebook!)

i am beat now! have ogl mass dance prac tmr! ): i am SO lazy!

i miss you! and i know you miss me too (:

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:36:51 GMT

hello again! today i went to buy a new watch. its a 25 dollars watch and its quite nice! (:

next, i went to church! we had the first youth meeting and the word was really good. we did on the theme of faith today. here's sth i picked up from the bible " Faith is the act of trust and of self-abandonment by which people no longer rely on their own strength and policies but comit themselves to the power and guiding word of him in whom they believe in. ... Since faith demands the sacrifice of the whole man, it is not an easy act of himility to perform; many decline it or are half hearted." ( this is not in the bible per se, it is from a footnote) i realised that these weeks that i've been distant with god, i have been trying to take over the reins of my own life. things happen and people hurt, i hurt, and i just try to mend things myself. but today god was trying to tell me that i am useless on my own. without god in my life, i am no one and i cannot help myself without his strength. days can be difficult, but i know that with him in me, i can overcome any difficulty and days will get easier. i know that he does not promise me that everything will turn out fine once i turn to him. i know that he will turn my life upside down and into a greater wreck even. but only so to prove his glory in my life. to manifest himself in me such that others will see and will be inspired. it is not easy. today i am saying this but tomorrow might be a different story. each day is a struggle to be faithful, a struggle to cling on to god because the lure of the world is much more tempting.

i thank all of you who have been there for me, especially you and you. (you know who you are and i do not need to mention names) i think if you guys were not there, this year would be difficult and almost impossible.

do not be afraid and only have faith. (:

bad sheep, good goat

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 15:51:10 GMT

see thursday, i had one full (boring) day learning first aid. and of cause the usual hindi lesson. i think hindi and i just don't clique you know. i should just stick to english and chinese, it makes more sense that way. so anyway, i am trained in first aid! wounds, lacerations, punctures, etc.. look for me and i'll bandage you up like a mummy! haha. ( that's a terrible advertising line, i know ) we learned how to fireman lift an unconscious person. i think miss ang's really great in organising all these pre-course stuff for us to prepare ourselves before we leave for india. (: then met cheryl, steph, su and jacq to celeb cheryl's birthday at kallang. its so hard to get there! anyway, ate at the food court ( cheryl's choice) then wanted to go ice skating, but got chased out because they were having ice hockey practise. we watched a little! it was really cool! just like the mighty ducks (its a movie) haha. anyway, we landed ourselves at kbox. okay, real ahlian place, but there are english songs there! i had a really good time singing! caught the last train home.

friday was interesting because we went to bukit timah hill to hike (: we took a beaten track with many steps and steep slopes. the path was covered with rocks and some parts were awfully slippery! but hell, i am still in one piece! we each an to carry a 6 kg bagpack and halfway through miss ang asked some of us to play casualties, so more load for the rest of us! we were bandaging up each other in the middle of the hill! haha. met char after that and oh, all the nonsense we were up to! haha.

saturday!! today was supposed to be my rest-and-relax day of the week. but i decided to go to pp to get stuff, plus char had to go there to do stuff too, so off we went! go the rest of my clothes for obi! i am quite excited for packing! (i won't be next week) then went down to my parent's church becxause adelia had her first holy communion. its really amazing how time flies. you know people say it so many times until it becomes an understatement, but i'm still gonna say it! haha. okay, ego totally at play here, but alot of adults say i grew prettier and i lookk really good right now! haha. (: (you shld look at the smile on my face right now) haha!

anyway, i was looking at this huge xmas tree at parkway today and i told char, "xmas don't feel the same anymore huh" i rememberd xmas being the highlight of my year when i was younger. now all the chirstmas trees and chirstmas lights just look to be extra ornaments burning up electricity and adding more colour to the streets. in a sad way, chirstmas has lost its magic. somehow alongside the commercialised version of chistmas, we gradually forgot what chirstmas meant. i know they only say this in cartoons, but i really wanna find the chirstmas in me again. i want to feel excited and enthusiastic like before! oh christmas...

church was really good today! i have been distant from god lately. mostly because i'm lazy and i use the excuse that life is hard. its beating me up to death, so why should i pray. but the readings in church today gave me a wake up call- one i really needed. hell yea, life is hard. some days its just so difficult because everything's gg insanely fast and you can't control it. but i realised (again) that i'm not alone. i'm hurting, but there are 2 million other souls out there that are hurting the same as i do. i dont know about you, but this comforts me somehow. knowing that i'm not alone. i guess its loneliness that takes us all at the end of the day huh. old people get abandon and they die from loneliness, can you imagine a death like that? i use (and still do) to tell myself to let go. because caring is hard and difficult. caring makes you hurt and hurting sucks. then a very good friend told me that i've been doing good. caring hurts, but caring makes you a better person. it gives you character and nothing else can buy you that. she said that i've been doing good and the many times that i wanted to walk away, its human. but play a little humility and just give the extra inch. you'll be that better person.

One tree hill, "Because, it's only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are."

i love the world because sometimes it gets easier

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:47:06 GMT

hello world (i have cramps)

so, this week was a pretty packed week for me.

monday: i learnt hindi! did PT. went to beach road and then to suntec. then went to TM, found really cheap bras and went bra-shopping ALONE like an auntie. then to steph's house, played mahjong! that is in a nutshell. i don't really like hindi actually. its really difficult cause the sentence structure is totally different from that of english. plus, the words are damn difficult to pronounce.

tuesday: i learnt BOLLYWOOD DANCE! (: went to simei's studio wu early in the morning to go and dance. its the first time i danced in a dance school and i really enjoyed it! (hm, i see myself as a future dancer. watch out for me at the esplanade!) went back to school to plan for post-activities and then hindi conversational lesson after.

wednesday: same, but we finally finished the dance!!! its really cool! it landed me with a blister..

i guess these few days has let me realised and discover more a new culture! the people are quite nice and i think the trip will be fun! (i hope)
i have so many stuff to do before i leave for india and australia! (homework, xmas cards, ....) so, after many many nights i finally finished my auntie's work!

T.H. White, "Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return."

i can do it!

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 05:53:10 GMT

ytd!
went for OBI briefing at east coast with dad. firstly, the speaker had such a bad sense of humour. more often than not, he was laughing at his own jokes. anyway, India sounds exciting! but yet, terrifying at the same time. i mean, 11 days in a whole new env with new people. don't tell me that the prospect of that doesn't scare you. anyway, i also found out that i will be coming back on the 12th morning. and my flight for aus will be 12th evening. i will be so jet lagged when i finally reach aus! had some bonding games after the briefing to intro ourselves. the briefing ended late, and i went with dad for lunch after. had quite a nice time talking to him. we went to the 24hr coffeeshop to eat his fav pork.
after that went home to change and all, then met char. went to hougang mall and ps to check out the winter shops. haha. i feel like i'm bullying her. some kinda friend huh! haha. oops.. i still love you!! (:
then went to the airport to send off xiang- who was late as usual. had dinner then rushed to church.

today!
supposed to meet steph, but cancelled. christmas movie marathon tmr! gg for adelia's first holy communion mass soon!

well, this is my cousin issac. i just found this picture and decided to post it up cause i remembered sth that happened! one sunday night i brought my cousins to the playground with their scooters. so issac was trying to pull his scooter up this really steep slope. so i offered to help him and he say "no! i can do it!" in his cute little baby voice! haha. he was panting and so tired alr but he managed to push it up himself! (:

some leaders were born, others were created

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:42:38 GMT

well, i am back from student leadership camp (slc). its been the most tiring week.
first there was adelia's chalet, then class chalet and then sl congress then sl camp.
its been mad!
anyway, i felt that congress was great! the highlights for me was actually the day two talks with the 3 speakers about leadership and stepping up. and i realised that being a leader is incredibly hard. i guess everyone's a leader in their own right. sometimes we see it as stepping up to prove to ourselves that we can! because all this while we have been living under ourselves. and then the chance came, and we rose to the occasion. to prove that we aint scared of what is to come, of what people think and feel of us. honestly, i feel that its much easier not to rise up. not to be the best. not to stretch ourselves. not to rise up to the occasion. because all of this leads to fear, uncertainty, insecurity. but then, how am i to know who i really am?
we had this night walk thing on the first night of camp where we played amazing race at night. some of the places were old changi hospital, changi beach club, changi war museum. while i was walking up to och, i was dead scared! because of the stories i suppose. and i kinda let the fear in me conquer myself. then we slept at changi beach that night. the wind was sooo very strong and then it started to rain.
highlight of day two for me was actually the tug of war! there were 5 of us, two girls, 3 guys. and we won! (: oh! another highlight was sleeping at the sports com at night! it was incredible, the view at night!

okay, i know this is not much of slc to talk about. truth is, i was dreading it because i didn't want to be a poser in front of new found friends. and i still don't. i like my comfort zone alot. but going for slc and going for obi is gonna throw me into new situations. sometimes i feel like its so overwhelming, the feeling and all. but i've gotta conquer my fear.

anyway, i wanna thank char and xiang (: for all you've done and you know it!

i was watching oth season 6 episode 10. here's a great quote i picked up!

"You owe it to them to be the very best version of yourself

The version where you get to fight for what you want

The version where you’re not afraid to be great

You’re benefitting them when you’re living your dreams

And there’s nothing, nothing selfish about that." -Quentin Fields

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 03:16:09 GMT

Plain white t's- 1 2 3 4! its awesome (:

stuff about slc will be coming soon!

some say...

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 14:05:18 GMT

i think i am the most fickle minded person ever! but oh wells! i decided to blog at livejournal today and this is also my first post. lets see, i have a blogger and xanga acc, and now livejournal! boy, i hope this blog lasts!

i am watching a korean drama and blogging now. today has been hectic and i am so tired right now. futsal in the morning. it was fun! but really tiring cause we ended up playing with the boys. then band prac.. came home to sleep after that, but i overslept! cycled all the way to gardens because i was afraid that the bus would be late. squash was ... haha. but anyhow, i am so gonna ache tomorrow!

well, ytd was the last day of pw! it concluded with op and i am just so glad that curtains have fallen. i don't know how much more of that crap i can stand.

well, things have been happening recently and i am quite disappointed about how i reacted. looking back, i saw how un-christian like i was. i was supposed to walk away and not get angry and make it a big deal. but i didnt.. things have been happening lately and yes, it's been hard. it felt hard, i don't know if it really is or is it just me. some days i couldn't bring myself to go to school because going was difficult. some days i really didn't want to face what was going on. tears shed, people distant themselves and i guess at the end of it, what really mattered was how to keep going when your heart doesn't have the will to go on anymore.